Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Google Wants to Own Your Soul

Flyergirl's letter to the sparkitors/me says it all. "It's true. Just think about it. You know it." Need I say more? There's no need. Just read. --Amar


You wake up in the morning, and first thing you do is check your email, on your Gmail account. Maybe you use your Google Android phone to do it. At school, you Google "Chemical Properties of Tungsten" to research for your chemistry project. After school, you use Google Translator to do your impossible French homework (don't tell my French teacher!). You check Google Maps to find the way to your friend's house this evening. There, you discuss Google's latest decorative name thingy. All through your day, Google is on your mind, even in math class when your teacher asks what 1.0x10^50 squared is. It's a googol! And I had to Google the square root of a googol to use that example. See what I mean? Google wants to own your soul, and so far it's well on it's way to doing so.

I love Gmail. I'm sending this from my Gmail account. Personally, I think you should get one too, if you don't already have one. Why? Because Google has sent me to make sure that they take over the minds of as many people as possible before they begin world domination.

But really, why DO people choose Gmail over, say, hotmail or any other email service? Because Google has compelled them to, using a mix of hypnosis and bribery ("If you get a Gmail, we'll send you chocolate"). Believe me, I've seen it happen. My whole family has a Gmail account, and most of my friends. This isn't a coincidence, Google has forced us to. It happens after you've said the world "Google" one too many times. Watch out!

This is the easiest way to prove Google's evil motives: their primary function, as a search engine. They are easily the most popular search engine out there. Heck, Google is my homepage! And it's the only one that's a verb. Have you ever heard someone say, 'I'll Yahoo it"? I thought not. Google has also spawned a series of Google knockoffs, including BING (Because It's Not Google). My school has Bing set as the primary search engine instead of Google, so I always enter "google" to switch because I refuse to use anything but Google. Sorry, but I'm a search engine snob.

Google Maps
Google is evil. Mapquest was doing so well, then Google came out with Google Maps, and now, who here has ever heard of Mapquest? I just Googled Mapquest to see what it's like, and my verdict: not as good as Google. And have you ever found your house on Google Maps, and used Streetview to see if you can see yourself? Every time you do that, Google saves the information. Yes, that is what I mean. Google knows where you sleep. Scared? I am.

Google Doodles
I am in love with these things. Every day, I check Google. If there is a Google Doodle, then it means it will be a good day. No Google Doodle means a sad day. It's like a horoscope, except more accurate because, of course, Google knows everything about you, and they can personalize the horoscope to suit you.

It may seem harmless right now. But watch out! Someday Google will use the information for evil. They will compile their information on every single person in the world. Then, they will visit your house (which they know from their Google Maps info) and electrify you with their mindpower. You will become a Google slave, who is unable to do anything but stumble around mumbling "Google" repeatedly. You will walk like a zombie, with your arms outstretched, and feed on nothing but little candy letters that spell "google". Then the Google CEOs will come and suck out your soul, because they're secretly dementors. It's a fate I would wish on nobody, so I urge you to take these precautionary steps:

1. Eat lots of chocolate!
Then, you will be unmoved by Google's promises of chocolate. They will no longer have a weapon to use against you.

2. Buy a road map.
Paper kills trees, but it's better than having your soul killed.

3. While you're at it, buy every book in the world.
Then, there will be no need to Google anything.

4. Create a search engine called "Poodle"
It's like Google, except a funnier name. Then, you will employ the same techniques and steal world domination from right under those dementor-CEO's noses. Mwhahahaha!

Thanks for saving us all, flyergirl.

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