Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My First Kiss Went a Little Like This…and Fail

My first kiss ended with my mom coming home early and seeing us. Embarrassed, I ran inside the house, leaving everyone else outside.--Amar


Let me set the scene for you sparkly little sparklers out there. It was a rainy fall evening. I’m sorry, that just sounded better. Fine, it was a hot winter morning in east Africa. Yes, hot winter. Because it really doesn’t get colder than 20 degrees Celsius here. I was heading over, in the nearly intolerable heat, with my tummy hurting more than a little, and a large bag in the backseat of my oven car, to the house of one rather adorable friend of mine, a juxtaposition to her country’s people. Them being exceptionally tall, and her standing under my left ear (it’s not in exactly the same place as my right. Shhh…), something rather difficult to do, considering I stand at a very short 5'2''.

I go to a school where there are people from all over the world. And because they come here from different places, they have to go back to their respective different places. My left ear friend had to go back to her own home, in a random country, on a random continent, which will be addressed as the random and stupid place she had to move to that wasn’t here due to lack of allowance of disclosure of information (or you can call it RSPTSHTMTTWH).

I met the friend of my friend, and he was de-wait for it-lightful. Delightful. He was rather funny and kind of strange. He made a joke about a cow and the sun and I didn’t get it. It went a little bit like this, actually. Was it joke?

Boy: so my friend had this thing, about you know, the how the cow and moon flew over it? we have a different version. There’s a sun with a cow. And it’s all,

"Fiddle dee, fiddle dum
The cow jumped over the sun
The fork grabbed the spoon,
Fiddle dee, fiddle dum"

We all sat around for the most part, watching Saturday morning cartoons and lying all over the place. And then, halfway in the middle of clutching my stomach from the pain of it all, my friend had mysteriously leave to go talk to her mother. Her friend and myself were stranded in complete awkwardness facing one another, and sizing each other up like we were about to have a showdown. I was right about to get up and pull out the big guns and shoot him dead for not talking, until she ruined my plan for world domination and popped back in.

I awkwardly didn’t talk to him all through lunch, and focused my attention (or tried to) on my left ear friend. We awkwardly locked gazes for a couple moments and then looked back. I was beginning to get awfully paranoid about him, like I usually do about guys: Does he like me? He’s totally looking at me! He eats like someone who likes to watch Saturday morning cartoons. No! He eats like someone who’s kind of a player. He dropped a carrot: he’s obviously not used to feeding himself. He has a HAREM that feeds him! I have to stay away from him at all costs! No way in hell am I joining a harem! He’s looking at me again! What the heck is that weird tingling down my spine? He’s just LOOKING at me. What is wrong with me? I have problems. I’m sexually deprived, aren’t I? Not being kissed by the ripe old age of 16 is considered sexually deprived. My great grandmother was MARRIED and had TWO KIDS by the time she was 16! I’m like, a genetic mutation. I’m going to bring shame to the family name. I’m just not normal. What’s wrong with me?! He’s looking at me again! I have to stop eating, he’s going to think I’m fat if I start to bloat from all the salt in these vegetables. Why am I a vegetarian? There has to be less salt in the meat, right?!

And just like that, lunch was over. Who knew time flew so fast? Soon enough, my visiting hours were over, too. I hugged my left ear friend bye for what felt like eternity and then finally, awkwardly gave her friend a hug.

There moment was practically like a slow motion soccer interception. We both tried to move out of it both ways, and BANG! My face bumped his face with the speed of a million panicked slugs. It was brutal. We both let go, and I was standing there like a confused fish with my eyes glazed over in shock before I tripped out the door and hightailed it home.

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