Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Blogging My Applesauce Experience

I'm just gonna leave the letter to the sparkitors thing. They amuse me. --Amar

Dear Sparkitors-
Are my "dear sparkitors" things annoying? Oh well. They allow me to introduce whatever great work of art/writing I am sending to you. This one happens to be writing. I wrote a blog post for you guys. Hope you like it, it's about applesauce!

Applely Yours,

Blogging My Applesauce Experience

Today was applesauce day. It's that day once a year in the fall that my mom and I spend all day making applesauce. For those of you who don't know what applesauce is, its apples and awesomesauce combined. Applesauce requires quite a bit of work and effort so it's not for the weak of heart. It is for the weak of stomach, though: you can't resist it!

First, we had to cut apples. We had approximately one hundred apples. Like 1-0-0. It ended up being about 50 pounds, and a whole bunch of bushels because honestly I have no idea how big a bushel is. But anyway, I think you understand its a whole lotta apples. You could probably feed a small country for a week on all the apples we had. And it was my job to cut them up. That's right. Cut every. Single. Apple. Into quarters. I pretended that the apples were bombs and I had to cut them all up before they blew up the world. So you may all thank me that the world is still intact. I'll be expecting some flowers and trophies in the mail shortly.

After the apples were cut (and the world was saved) we put them through the grinder. If you couldn't guess from its name, the grinder grinds stuff. We put the apples in and it separates it into mushed apple and the apple reject parts, like the seeds and the core. I have no idea how it separates them, its magic as far as I'm concerned.

But then it's my job to dispose of the reject parts. Have you noticed I'm being assigned the menial tasks and my mom gets the fun stuff, like turning the crank to mush the apples? Yeah, I noticed too. But I did my jobs anyway, because I love applesauce oh so very much. So I took the rejects to the compost. We have a compost bin, because we are awesomely green and earth-friendly. The compost bin is outside in the yard. So I took about ten trips outside lugging a bowl of apple rejects. Oh, and did I mention it was cold out, and I was barefoot and in a t-shirt and shorts. I guess my laziness to change into more appropriate clothes (and put on some shoes) was not the smartest decision. It's been a few hours and I'm still shivering.

After the apples were suitably separated and mushed, we did some stuff boiling them or something. At this, I kinda got bored of it and wandered off to read SparkLife, so I'm not exactly sure what finishes the process. I just know that I came back and there were 20 bags of warm applesauce on the counter. It's like magic!

So, I guess what you really need to know is:
- I saved the world. It is your job to thank me appropriately
- I'm cold. I wish I had a pair of fuzzy slippers (my mom has these slippers that you heat up in the microwave before you put them on. You're not supposed to microwave them while they're on your feet. I want some, my toes are ready to fall of from hypothermia. I should go put on some socks)
- We have an earth-friendly compost bin, because we love our planet and we don't want to go extinct. These are good reasons for you to get one too. If you don't, your puppy will die from global warming.
- Apple grinders are magic. I'm pretty sure we bought ours from Borgin and Burkes. If you're nice to me, I'll tell you where to get one too.
- If you don't like applesauce, I'm putting you through my apple grinder. Well, no, that would be a bit violent. I respect your likes and dislikes. But...Why? It's made partly of awesomesauce, for [insert deity or Supreme Being of your choice]'s sake!

Those slippers sure would be nice in these Iowan winters.

Thursday, April 14, 2011


Sparknotes has badges, and I was kinda thinking of having some. You can make some, and there's a fairly good chance they'll get used.

Possible badges:
all posts
to go over top of pictures at the beginning of posts
We can follow the same kind of setup as sparknotes by using categories like life, school, digital, books, and music. We can also have an advice section if someone wants to give advice. I won't be doing it since I'm awful at giving advice.
Rejected Cute Thing
Our version of cute thing of the week. I'll be starting this soon.
Want a series? Just ask and send me the posts. If you want to create your own badge for your series, all you have to do is make one. Or if you lack artistic talent, you can bribe someone to make you one. (I accept cookies.)

If you have any other suggestions, that'd be great. (Suggestions of any type)

Also, if you create a background image, just email it to and I can get it posted.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

What's The Point?

Some people are idiots. Here are a couple. --Amar

Dear Sparkitors:
Remember - this is the same as my last post in that when I say that the human race are idiots, I am, of course, excepting certain members, like Sparklers.

I love people who do stupid things. It makes life so much more amusing for the rest of us.
Marketing people are experts at screwing up big-time. So much so, it should be an Olympic sport. I can imagine the headline: "Marketers Compete to Screw Up Products In This Year's Summer Olympics". Now that would make me even more excited for the Olympics.

But you'd be surprised how often it happens, when they aren't actually trying to mess up to win fame and fortune and prestige. So here's a couple pictures of some products that will make you scratch your head and scream, "What were they thinking??"

This one I took in the bathroom at a hotel we stayed at. So, what's the point of the toilet??

The company sent us a replacement pole for the leg of our table. On the right, the pole. On the left, the box they sent it in. Not in the image: 3 thousand packing peanuts. And we wonder why the environment is dying?

This I got from the magazine Consumer Reports, which, erm, I, ummm, do not read because I am not a nerd (well, I am, and I do, but...). Read the highlighted part.

Sometimes, you just have to wonder how the human race has managed to survive this long when so many members of our species are such idiots.

Don't you feel proud to be a human?
What other stupid things have you seen people do?

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Awesome Thing of the Week

This was sent by jewbiegirl.

You can talk to Tom Riddle!
It's his diary!
We  stole it  found it laying around, and we just though we'd share it with you.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Some Really Weird Place Names

Who wants to go travel with me? --Amar


A few months ago, in my AP Human Geography class, my teacher showed us some really weird place names. We were learning about place names and how they reflect the cultural and physical aspects of the place, so it was not a discussion that came out of nowhere! Here are three of the weirdest place names:

1. Hell, Norway
Of course, Hell, Norway, wasn’t named Hell to emphasize how it’s a place for the eternally damned. The name comes from the Old Norse word hellir, which means “cliff.” Hell in Norwegian also means “luck.” What’s most amusing about this place name is that it’s really cold. Temperatures during winter can get to -20 degrees Celsius in Hell. All Hell has frozen over, after all.

2. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales I love long words, so this place name obviously caught my attention. This village was originally called “'Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.” To get more publicity, it lengthened its name.
In English, the name means “St Mary's Church in a hollow of white hazel near the swirling whirlpool of the church of St Tysilio with a red cave.” It’s pronounced “Llan-vire-pooll-guin-gill-go-ger-u-chwurn-drob-ooll-llantus-ilio-gogo-goch.”

3. F*cking, Austria
Yes, this is an actual place. It’s pronounced “Foo-king.” The place was founded by someone named Focko in the sixth century. The Germanic suffix “-ing” was added to indicate that this village was the place of “Focko’s people.” After 20 years, the lord was Adalpertus de Fucingin. The spelling has evolved over the years, from Vucchingen to Fukching to its current spelling. This place was discovered by American and British soldiers stationed nearby after World War II. They took pictures of themselves standing next to the street signs, which, by the way, have been stolen so much by eager souvenir hunters that, in 2005, they were made theft-resistant. The village people didn’t get what the big deal was because they hadn’t known what it meant in English.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Google Wants to Own Your Soul

Flyergirl's letter to the sparkitors/me says it all. "It's true. Just think about it. You know it." Need I say more? There's no need. Just read. --Amar


You wake up in the morning, and first thing you do is check your email, on your Gmail account. Maybe you use your Google Android phone to do it. At school, you Google "Chemical Properties of Tungsten" to research for your chemistry project. After school, you use Google Translator to do your impossible French homework (don't tell my French teacher!). You check Google Maps to find the way to your friend's house this evening. There, you discuss Google's latest decorative name thingy. All through your day, Google is on your mind, even in math class when your teacher asks what 1.0x10^50 squared is. It's a googol! And I had to Google the square root of a googol to use that example. See what I mean? Google wants to own your soul, and so far it's well on it's way to doing so.

I love Gmail. I'm sending this from my Gmail account. Personally, I think you should get one too, if you don't already have one. Why? Because Google has sent me to make sure that they take over the minds of as many people as possible before they begin world domination.

But really, why DO people choose Gmail over, say, hotmail or any other email service? Because Google has compelled them to, using a mix of hypnosis and bribery ("If you get a Gmail, we'll send you chocolate"). Believe me, I've seen it happen. My whole family has a Gmail account, and most of my friends. This isn't a coincidence, Google has forced us to. It happens after you've said the world "Google" one too many times. Watch out!

This is the easiest way to prove Google's evil motives: their primary function, as a search engine. They are easily the most popular search engine out there. Heck, Google is my homepage! And it's the only one that's a verb. Have you ever heard someone say, 'I'll Yahoo it"? I thought not. Google has also spawned a series of Google knockoffs, including BING (Because It's Not Google). My school has Bing set as the primary search engine instead of Google, so I always enter "google" to switch because I refuse to use anything but Google. Sorry, but I'm a search engine snob.

Google Maps
Google is evil. Mapquest was doing so well, then Google came out with Google Maps, and now, who here has ever heard of Mapquest? I just Googled Mapquest to see what it's like, and my verdict: not as good as Google. And have you ever found your house on Google Maps, and used Streetview to see if you can see yourself? Every time you do that, Google saves the information. Yes, that is what I mean. Google knows where you sleep. Scared? I am.

Google Doodles
I am in love with these things. Every day, I check Google. If there is a Google Doodle, then it means it will be a good day. No Google Doodle means a sad day. It's like a horoscope, except more accurate because, of course, Google knows everything about you, and they can personalize the horoscope to suit you.

It may seem harmless right now. But watch out! Someday Google will use the information for evil. They will compile their information on every single person in the world. Then, they will visit your house (which they know from their Google Maps info) and electrify you with their mindpower. You will become a Google slave, who is unable to do anything but stumble around mumbling "Google" repeatedly. You will walk like a zombie, with your arms outstretched, and feed on nothing but little candy letters that spell "google". Then the Google CEOs will come and suck out your soul, because they're secretly dementors. It's a fate I would wish on nobody, so I urge you to take these precautionary steps:

1. Eat lots of chocolate!
Then, you will be unmoved by Google's promises of chocolate. They will no longer have a weapon to use against you.

2. Buy a road map.
Paper kills trees, but it's better than having your soul killed.

3. While you're at it, buy every book in the world.
Then, there will be no need to Google anything.

4. Create a search engine called "Poodle"
It's like Google, except a funnier name. Then, you will employ the same techniques and steal world domination from right under those dementor-CEO's noses. Mwhahahaha!

Thanks for saving us all, flyergirl.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

My First Kiss Went a Little Like This…and Fail

My first kiss ended with my mom coming home early and seeing us. Embarrassed, I ran inside the house, leaving everyone else outside.--Amar


Let me set the scene for you sparkly little sparklers out there. It was a rainy fall evening. I’m sorry, that just sounded better. Fine, it was a hot winter morning in east Africa. Yes, hot winter. Because it really doesn’t get colder than 20 degrees Celsius here. I was heading over, in the nearly intolerable heat, with my tummy hurting more than a little, and a large bag in the backseat of my oven car, to the house of one rather adorable friend of mine, a juxtaposition to her country’s people. Them being exceptionally tall, and her standing under my left ear (it’s not in exactly the same place as my right. Shhh…), something rather difficult to do, considering I stand at a very short 5'2''.

I go to a school where there are people from all over the world. And because they come here from different places, they have to go back to their respective different places. My left ear friend had to go back to her own home, in a random country, on a random continent, which will be addressed as the random and stupid place she had to move to that wasn’t here due to lack of allowance of disclosure of information (or you can call it RSPTSHTMTTWH).

I met the friend of my friend, and he was de-wait for it-lightful. Delightful. He was rather funny and kind of strange. He made a joke about a cow and the sun and I didn’t get it. It went a little bit like this, actually. Was it joke?

Boy: so my friend had this thing, about you know, the how the cow and moon flew over it? we have a different version. There’s a sun with a cow. And it’s all,

"Fiddle dee, fiddle dum
The cow jumped over the sun
The fork grabbed the spoon,
Fiddle dee, fiddle dum"

We all sat around for the most part, watching Saturday morning cartoons and lying all over the place. And then, halfway in the middle of clutching my stomach from the pain of it all, my friend had mysteriously leave to go talk to her mother. Her friend and myself were stranded in complete awkwardness facing one another, and sizing each other up like we were about to have a showdown. I was right about to get up and pull out the big guns and shoot him dead for not talking, until she ruined my plan for world domination and popped back in.

I awkwardly didn’t talk to him all through lunch, and focused my attention (or tried to) on my left ear friend. We awkwardly locked gazes for a couple moments and then looked back. I was beginning to get awfully paranoid about him, like I usually do about guys: Does he like me? He’s totally looking at me! He eats like someone who likes to watch Saturday morning cartoons. No! He eats like someone who’s kind of a player. He dropped a carrot: he’s obviously not used to feeding himself. He has a HAREM that feeds him! I have to stay away from him at all costs! No way in hell am I joining a harem! He’s looking at me again! What the heck is that weird tingling down my spine? He’s just LOOKING at me. What is wrong with me? I have problems. I’m sexually deprived, aren’t I? Not being kissed by the ripe old age of 16 is considered sexually deprived. My great grandmother was MARRIED and had TWO KIDS by the time she was 16! I’m like, a genetic mutation. I’m going to bring shame to the family name. I’m just not normal. What’s wrong with me?! He’s looking at me again! I have to stop eating, he’s going to think I’m fat if I start to bloat from all the salt in these vegetables. Why am I a vegetarian? There has to be less salt in the meat, right?!

And just like that, lunch was over. Who knew time flew so fast? Soon enough, my visiting hours were over, too. I hugged my left ear friend bye for what felt like eternity and then finally, awkwardly gave her friend a hug.

There moment was practically like a slow motion soccer interception. We both tried to move out of it both ways, and BANG! My face bumped his face with the speed of a million panicked slugs. It was brutal. We both let go, and I was standing there like a confused fish with my eyes glazed over in shock before I tripped out the door and hightailed it home.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Oh, How Cute


As some of you may have seen, cute this of the week is going to be cancelled. I'm sure you have the same reaction as this kitten.

But how will we every get our weekly doses of adorableness?

Well, that's what The Rejected Spark is for. If you all want, we can continue it here. You can send me pictures, or I can pick pictures for you all to caption.

Good idea? Bad?


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Blogging My Day at Splash

When I saw the title, I thought this was a really epic water park. Even though I was hoping for swimming, this is just as cool. Maybe even cooler. *mind is blown* --Amar


"Splash" is a weekend program at MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) that I went to this past weekend. It takes place on Saturday and Sunday, and you can go all day to take student-run classes. The classes can be on any topic from Theoretical Physics to How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse. Basically, there's something there for everyone. Splash is open to anyone in grades 7-12, and it's a blast. This was my second year attending, and it was just as incredible as before. It's epic, exactly the sort of event you would expect Sparklers to go to.

Unfortunately, I was busy on Saturday and I could only go to the Sunday classes. There are almost a hundred (a complete guesstimate) classes running on Sunday, anywhere from one to eight hours long, so I still had plenty to choose from.

7:00 AM - Wake up. I'm confused, thinking it's a school day, because why on Earth would my alarm be going off on a weekend? Then remeber: Splahs today! Roll out of bed, put on my epic Pac-Man t-shirt. There are lots of epic people at Splash, so it will surely be appreciated.

7:30 AM - My sister, age 12, has a mental breakdown. This is her first time at Splash and she's scared that she'll get lost on the MIT campus. I comfort her and tell her not to worry, the monsters only live in the underground tunnels and only venture above-ground occasionally.

8:00 AM - Leave on the forty-minute drive to Boston. Classes start at 9, so we have plenty of time.

8:45 AM - Check in. They print me a schedule, showing my classes for the day. You pre-register for classes a few weeks before the actual event, online at the Splash website.

8:46 AM - What is this madness? I don't want to take "Learn to Read a Poem"! I have Sparknotes for that! I quickly switch into the "Samuri versus Ninja" class. Far more epic to meet my awesomeness standards.

8:52 AM - A random guy comes up to me and compliments my Pac-Man shirt.

8:57 AM - Race up six flights of stairs to the top of the building for my first class, "Making Chainmaille". I see that I'm at the top and climb the last flight to see if the door to the roof is unlocked. It isn't, and now my legs really hurt. I trudge back down and find the classroom.

9:02 AM - Whoa! The teacher is really good at making chainmaille. She made a chainmaille dress for her senior prom, and brought it to show us. I pick it up. It weighed at least fifty pounds.

9:20 AM - I've mastered the simple weave, and start making a little patch of chainmaille. My fingers are turning black from this, and these pliers are really small and hard to hold. Oh well. This is fun.

9:50 AM -  I expand on my little patch of chainmaille. It's taken forever to get a four-by-four inch square. I have no idea how she found time to make a whole prom dress.

10:10 AM - I make a chainmaille bracelet, complete with a clasp. I'll wear it to school tomorrow and my friends will think I'm either awesome or crazy.

10:40 AM - I start a new bracelet, this one with colored links. It's beautiful. I love chainmaille. I want to be a knight when I grow up.

10:55 AM - The class is just about over, so she gives us lots of extra rings so we can finish at home. My bag rips and they scatter all over inside my backpack. I'll pick them up later.

11:02 AM - Find the room for my next class, "Learn to Juggle".

11:06 AM - I wonder why there's no one else here yet.

11:09 AM - Yes, this is the right room. I wonder why...oh, wait, there's a sign on the door. What?! My class has been canceled? What is this madness?

11:11 AM - I have nothing to do for the next hour. I explore for a little while. They basically let you run free on MIT campus, so it's pretty awesome.

11:27 AM - I go back to chainmaille class. the teacher has another class, but she lets me stay. They're really lax about that stuff, so it's all good.

11:49 AM - Finish my second bracelet. I love it. I'm so proud.

11:56 AM - Replenish my supply of extra rings and go to my next class, "Candy Wrapper Art"

12:04 PM - We're going to be making bracelets out of Starburst wrappers! Wow, I'm going to have a lot of bracelets by the end of this.

12:10 PM - Not only do we get to make the bracelet, we get to eat the Starburst to get the wrappers! Could this get any better?

12:17 PM - Wow. This is really hard. Why are these so hard to fold?

12:40 PM - It's been forty minutes and my bracelet is two inches long. This is harder than it looks.

12:55 PM - Stuff twenty Starburst and my three-inch bracelet into my backpack. I'll finish it later.

1:03 PM - Call my sister. We're supposed to meet up for lunch.

1:07 PM - My sister shows me the way to lunch. What is this? She's supposed to be the noob who doesn't know her way around,a and I'm supposed to be the expert who can find a needle in this haystack of a school. This isn't how it's supposed to work.

1:12 PM - Okay, I probably would never have found this without her. Jeez. She's already eaten, so she abandons me. How will I find my way back?

1:15 PM - Pizza! Nomnomnom.

1:20 PM - I sit with some awesome girls, one from Canada and one from Maryland. They compliment my Pac-Man shirt.

1:23 PM - We discuss the Harry Potter movie and compare it to the books. I like these people.

1:33 PM - We discuss xkcd. I like these people.

1:41 PM - We bash Twilight. I like these people.

1:55 PM - Lunch is over, and I must part ways with the awesome people I met. I get their e-mails and forget to ask if they are Sparklers. They must be, because only a Sparkler could be that awesome.

2:04 PM - My "Samuri versus Ninja" class. I'm rooting for ninjas.

2:45 PM - Wow, Samuris have cool swords! I want to be a Samuri.

3:20 PM - Ninjas are epic! They can jump over walls and they can pretend to walk on water. I want to be a ninja.

3:40 PM - No, I want to be a Samuri! They have cool armor.

3:55 PM - No, I want to be a ninja. They have black outfits.

4:00 PM - Aww, it's over, and I don't know what I want to be!

4:05 PM - "Set" class. Set is an awesome card game. I know how to play, and I sit at the Pro table.

4:10 PM - These people are REALLY good. I've found two sets the whole game. I lost.

4:12 PM -I will not quit and go to the intermediate table. I will not quit and go to the intermediate table.

4:25 PM - YES! I won a game! I got seven sets, but I won!

4:26 PM - I win a Silly Band. It's a hippo. I add it to the collection on my wrists, which also includes my Starburst bracelet (I finished it during my ninja class).

4:55 PM - That was fun. I only won once, but it was really challenging. How are these people so good??

5:02 PM - "Things You Could Do In Ancient Rome but Not Today" Basically we learn about the crazy idiotic emperors.

5:15 PM - Apparently, Augustus Caesar wrote a laundry list of everything he did in his life. It includes lines like "I became the master of everything by the consent of all" but he still manages to sound completely modest while he brags about everything. That guy was a genius.

5:25 PM - We read Cicero's Phillipics against Marc Antony. Basically, it's a huge political speech bashing him in every way possible. I wish modern politics were this awesome.

5:45 PM - So Emperor Caligula dressed up some of his soldiers as enemies, and paraded them through Rome to prove that he could actually capture some enemies in battle. This guy was hilarious.

5:55 PM - Aww, it's over! I want to hear more about stupid Ancient Romans.

6:02 PM - "Make Things Out of Duct Tape" class! I already know how to do this, so I go over and show off my duct-tape-flower-amking skills.

6:07 PM - Three people admire my flower.

6:12 PM - A guy give me a scone in trade for me teaching him how to make a flower. I accept.

6:13 PM - He compliments my Pac-Man shirt.

6:15 PM - He has buttons on his backpack. I admire them. I tell the table about my one lonely button - It has a Tardis on it and says "Time And Relative Dimensions In Space".

6:16 PM - Everyone at the table knows what a Tardis is. I love these people.

6:22 PM - I try to trade a duct tape flower for one of his buttons, but he refuses.

6:31 PM - I show them my duct tape turtle that my brother gave me. They are jealous.

6:34 PM - I end up with about a dozen e-email addresses total

6:40 PM - A whole group of us leaves. We hang out by the entrance with a Free Hugs sign, and get about two dozen takers.

7:00 PM - We sit in two lines by the door, so that anyone who leaves has to go in between. We applaud anyone who passes through.

7:05 PM - Aww! Splash is over! It was so much fun, and I had a great time, I can't wait until Spark in the spring!

Who else thinks wants a chainmail bracelet? I know I do. Hmm...What can I bribe Flyergirl with?

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Sarge's Antigone Summary

When I first saw this, I thought it was pronounced like anti-gone. So I thought it was about stain removal. Once that was cleared up, I laughed while reading this. You better laugh too. Or you'll be thrown into the TOMB of DESPAIR! --Amar


To start us off, here’s a little back story on Antigone: It was written by the Greek playwright and my main man, Sophocles, in 442 BC.  It is the third of the Theban plays (Oedipus Rex, Oedipus at Colonus, and Antigone), and is arguably one of the greatest plays in the history of literature…..and I’m about to poke fun at it.  We cool?  All right, let’s do this thing.

When we start out, there's these two girls named Antigone (an-TIG-uh-nee) and Ismene (is-MEE-nee). Why anyone would name their kids that is beyond me. But then again, their daddy wasn't exactly the sharpest sickle in the wheat field, if you get my drift. In the installments before this, he killed his dad and married his mom. Eww! Even if he didn’t know she was his mom, didn't he find it odd that she's like, thirty years older than him? But I digress.

It turns out that Antigone and Ismene's brothers are both killed in this mini-war thing that was cookin' before. Only Eteocles was fighting for Athens, and his brother Polyneices was fighting against Athens! OH, THE DRAMA! So Athens ended up winning the mini-war thing, and Eteocles got buried "with full and just and lawful honors due the dead" or whatever, and Polyneices got left out on King Creon's patio so he could watch the wild beasts have lunch on his body and the birds of the air poop on his carcass! Nice guy, that king.

For some strange reason, Antigone (let's just call her Annie, shall we?) sees something wrong with this. She's like, "No way, dudes! At least put my brother in the dirt, pretty please with a cherry on top?"

But evidently Creon doesn't like cherries, because he's like "NO! And anyone who tries to put this silly-named traitor in the dirt shall be tied to a bedpost and a servant shall tickle his foot, and Justin Bieber shall pop out and begin to sing if he should laugh!" Either that or buried underground, I can't seem to remember.

So, Annie wants to go put some dirt on her bro and take her chances with Justin Bieber, but she wants Ismene to come too. Except Ismene's all like, "No way, Jose! Justin Bieber sang at my birthday party that one year, and my eardrums shattered!"

Annie tries to persuade her to come anyway, because then the dead people will love them and everything will be all fine and peachy. Somehow, this infallible logic does not do the trick.

So then Annie goes off to sprinkle dirt on ol' Poly, spewing curses at Ismene all the while, and she totally doesn’t get caught! She's like a ninja or something! But then the guards go and tattle to Creon, who's like "WHAT?!?!?!?!" Yeah, he's pretty mad. So the guards go back and wash the dirt off of Poly, and sit there waiting for the ninja to come back and bury him again. And our friend Annie, predictably, goes and buries him again. Except this time she gets caught, and she's dragged back to the castle.

It goes like this:

Guard 1: Hey, Exalted Creon-person. We found the one who's buried Poly!
Creon: Really? Where is he? Behind the lowly woman-folk?
Guard 2: Nope, Annie here is the ninja we were looking for. We saw her putting dirt on him!
Creon: Doesn't that make her, like, not a ninja?
Guard 1: Well, yeah, but....we caught someone! Isn't that great?

Basically, no one believes Annie actually broke the law and buried her brother, and she might have gotten off, except she was so hung up on the "lowly-woman-folk" comment that she's all like, "Hades yes, I buried my brother! Just because he has a silly name and because he was trying to dethrone you and destroy everything Athens stands for is no reason to leave him for echidnas to swallow! Have you no respect for dead people?!?"

And then Creon goes, all slowly, like he's trying to explain that brown cows don't make chocolate milk, "Well, you see, the thing about dead people is....they're DEAD. Who cares if I dishonor them?"


So then Creon takes a moment to decide exactly how he should kill her (turns out Justin Bieber was booked elsewhere for that day), when his son comes in! (Creon’s, not Justin Bieber’s.  That would be creepy.)

And his son (whose name is Haimon, and that makes me think of lunch meat. Mmmmm.) is basically like, "You're a loser and a creep because you're going to kill poor li'l Annie here because she sprinkled some dust over her bro! And the people of Athens think so too! So you betta reconsider, or else you're gonna find your butt dethroned!"

Did I mention that Haimon is actually engaged to Annie? Oh yeah. PLOT TWIST!

But that really doesn't make any difference, because Creon's like, "I am a superior kingly being! I don't have to listen to irritating youngsters like you, even if you are my child!"

So he's all pumped to put Annie underground, but then guards come in with Ismene! Turns out she warmed to the whole "put-dirt-on-Poly" idea after learning that Justin Bieber was booked, so she got herself dragged in and starts saying that Annie had a jolly good idea, and she wishes she could've helped. Except then Annie is all, "No way, Jose! I actually had to break a nail burying his butt, and you are NOT going to take credit for it! Because the dead people know who it was anyway! DEAD PEOPLE LUUURVE ME!!"

Well, no one could stand up to logic like that, so they let Ismene go and just chucked Annie into the TOMB of DESPAIR.

Cut back to the castle, or wherever it is that our buddy Creon lives. After chucking Annie in the TOMB of DESPAIR, he gets a visitor! The dude's name is Teiresias. (This is just a block party of strange names, isn't it?) Apparently, T-rizzle is some sort of prophet, and he just dropped by to let Creon know that because he chucked Annie in the TOMB of DESPAIR, his life is pretty much going to be horrible, forever. And also that Extreme Makeover: Home Edition is on TLC tonight.

So when he's watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Creon gets this brainwave. It sounds something like this: "Creon, you should totally let Annie out of the TOMB of DESPAIR!"

Whatever other unpleasant attributes Creon has, at least he's not one to ignore brainwaves. So he sends soldiers to let Annie out of the TOMB of DEPAIR, but it’s too late!  See, before Creon got his brainwave, Annie got one too! It said: "Annie, you should off yourself right now so Creon doesn't get the satisfaction of having offed you!"

Synonyms for killing notwithstanding, Annie decides that's a great idea, grabs a handy rope and offs herself. When word of that gets back to the palace, Haimon (Annie's lovey-dovey fiance, remember?) gets all depressed and offs himself because Annie offed herself. And then Haimon's mommy, Creon's wife, offs herself because Haimon offed himself.

So it's really a happy offing party, but by the time Creon gets the news that pretty much everyone took the initiative to kill themselves, people have wised up and taken all plausible suicide weapons out of Creon's reach. So he just sits there, watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and trying unsuccessfully to bump himself off with a crouton, and then he suddenly gets ANOTHER brainwave! This one says: "Creon, you're an idiot."

And he's like, "Dude, I know."

And that's the end of the play! *bows*

What should sarge summarize next?